Some days work and some days don't.......that has been my motto for a long time since adopting the boys. There are days when I feel like I can not see through the fog and then other days the sun is shining brightly and I think what was I worried about?
Adoption is not easy, especially adopting two teenage boys, but I can still say that it was/is the best decision our family has made. These two boys were very "broken" teens when they came to us and although they still struggle with their own internal issues.....each week I see development and one more wall being broken down. They have consistently been let down by most adults in their short lives and therefore the amount of trust they have for us and other friends in their lives is a process that grows day by day.
Yesterday was one of the days that I saw the "sun" and saw one more wall come down from Ivan. If you have kept up with our blog, you know that Ivan struggles the most with trust, security, self esteem.....all things that most 17 year olds have established in their lives already, but Ivan is playing catch up with these things. So yesterday, Ivan came home from school with typical teenage boy problems......let me just say here that living with a high school son in the house is like having my own reality TV show in our home!! Ivan has a boy that is not being nice to him and he is struggling with how to handle it. Honestly this boy sounds like he is just being annoying and picking on Ivan b/c he can, but Ivan is struggling with what to do, b/c in Ukraine the kids would just fight it out....well here you can't do that. This boy is basically egging Ivan on to a fight and he came home yesterday saying, "I just don't know what to do. I am trying to ignore him but he just keeps saying things every day, calling me the Russian and other bad names, and bothering me and I want to be a good boy and not fight him, but he keeps asking me to fight him." So of course I was immediately in my protective mother mode, and wanted to know the boy's name, etc., which Ivan refuses to tell me and Matt has also told Ivan not tell me the name of the kid. Seems like they both know me very well - I would want to find out who this kid is! Ivan said, "Mom, you can't fix this. I have to fix it, but I don't know how?" Well I am hoping that Matt and I helped him through this, b/c Matt and I have very different opinions on how to help Ivan, but hopefully Ivan will find somewhere in the middle to put this boy in his place and leave our son alone!!
So not only does Ivan have a bully at school, but on a good note, he also has his first girlfriend:) Super sweet girl that I think is a great fit for Ivan......but yesterday there were some things that were said to Ivan about this girlfriend and he came home so confused and at first really didn't want to talk about it, but after he realized that I was not going to let it go, he pulled up a bar stool and sat with me and talked for almost an hour about how he just can't trust anyone. How he tries so hard to trust someone, but then they always let him down. So he felt that maybe he should just walk away from the girlfriend and avoid getting hurt by her. Do you see that wall? That wall has been there for a very long time and for the first time I was able to talk to him about that wall.........how if you keep avoiding getting hurt by people then you will miss out on all of the fun along the way......how this life of ours is a journey of valleys and mountains and you never know what each day will bring, but sometimes it is a better choice to stay and fight for something that you believe in and to stop running. He understood, but said "I really want to trust, but I just can't." So I reminded him of how he took a "leap of faith" and said yes to Matt and I adopting him and how that showed me that he trusted us to raise him and Toliy. He put his trust in us, so try to put trust in other people. He said, "Well, Mom that was different, I knew you and Dad were good people." Me: "Honey, you really didn't know us at all. Whether you believe it was trust in us or not, it was." Ivan: "Huh, so you think I should trust her and tell her that I trust what she says?" Me: "I think you should do what makes you comfortable, be honest with her, and that maybe you should start enjoying the ride of life a little more and stop sitting on the side of the road." Ivan: "Ok, I think about it and then I will call her." Now keep in mind, all of this was a typical teenager angst problem that most parents go through. But a simple girlfriend issue allowed Matt and I to break down one little wall and for that I am so thankful! Keep in mind that in the middle of all of this Matt came home and asked what we were talking about.....Matt has no patience or time for high school drama, so Matt's fatherly advice to Ivan was just "high school girls are crazy, just remember that!" Hopefully what I said stuck more than Matt's:)
Adoption is not easy, especially adopting two teenage boys, but I can still say that it was/is the best decision our family has made. These two boys were very "broken" teens when they came to us and although they still struggle with their own internal issues.....each week I see development and one more wall being broken down. They have consistently been let down by most adults in their short lives and therefore the amount of trust they have for us and other friends in their lives is a process that grows day by day.
Yesterday was one of the days that I saw the "sun" and saw one more wall come down from Ivan. If you have kept up with our blog, you know that Ivan struggles the most with trust, security, self esteem.....all things that most 17 year olds have established in their lives already, but Ivan is playing catch up with these things. So yesterday, Ivan came home from school with typical teenage boy problems......let me just say here that living with a high school son in the house is like having my own reality TV show in our home!! Ivan has a boy that is not being nice to him and he is struggling with how to handle it. Honestly this boy sounds like he is just being annoying and picking on Ivan b/c he can, but Ivan is struggling with what to do, b/c in Ukraine the kids would just fight it out....well here you can't do that. This boy is basically egging Ivan on to a fight and he came home yesterday saying, "I just don't know what to do. I am trying to ignore him but he just keeps saying things every day, calling me the Russian and other bad names, and bothering me and I want to be a good boy and not fight him, but he keeps asking me to fight him." So of course I was immediately in my protective mother mode, and wanted to know the boy's name, etc., which Ivan refuses to tell me and Matt has also told Ivan not tell me the name of the kid. Seems like they both know me very well - I would want to find out who this kid is! Ivan said, "Mom, you can't fix this. I have to fix it, but I don't know how?" Well I am hoping that Matt and I helped him through this, b/c Matt and I have very different opinions on how to help Ivan, but hopefully Ivan will find somewhere in the middle to put this boy in his place and leave our son alone!!
So not only does Ivan have a bully at school, but on a good note, he also has his first girlfriend:) Super sweet girl that I think is a great fit for Ivan......but yesterday there were some things that were said to Ivan about this girlfriend and he came home so confused and at first really didn't want to talk about it, but after he realized that I was not going to let it go, he pulled up a bar stool and sat with me and talked for almost an hour about how he just can't trust anyone. How he tries so hard to trust someone, but then they always let him down. So he felt that maybe he should just walk away from the girlfriend and avoid getting hurt by her. Do you see that wall? That wall has been there for a very long time and for the first time I was able to talk to him about that wall.........how if you keep avoiding getting hurt by people then you will miss out on all of the fun along the way......how this life of ours is a journey of valleys and mountains and you never know what each day will bring, but sometimes it is a better choice to stay and fight for something that you believe in and to stop running. He understood, but said "I really want to trust, but I just can't." So I reminded him of how he took a "leap of faith" and said yes to Matt and I adopting him and how that showed me that he trusted us to raise him and Toliy. He put his trust in us, so try to put trust in other people. He said, "Well, Mom that was different, I knew you and Dad were good people." Me: "Honey, you really didn't know us at all. Whether you believe it was trust in us or not, it was." Ivan: "Huh, so you think I should trust her and tell her that I trust what she says?" Me: "I think you should do what makes you comfortable, be honest with her, and that maybe you should start enjoying the ride of life a little more and stop sitting on the side of the road." Ivan: "Ok, I think about it and then I will call her." Now keep in mind, all of this was a typical teenager angst problem that most parents go through. But a simple girlfriend issue allowed Matt and I to break down one little wall and for that I am so thankful! Keep in mind that in the middle of all of this Matt came home and asked what we were talking about.....Matt has no patience or time for high school drama, so Matt's fatherly advice to Ivan was just "high school girls are crazy, just remember that!" Hopefully what I said stuck more than Matt's:)
